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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Intentional Grounding?

Now it's time for another pop quiz about the rules of high school football.  This time it is intentional grounding that we are going to be quizzing you on.

True or False - A quarterback is under pressure and quickly scambles outside of the tackle box and throws the ball away to avoid the sack.  This action is not considered intentional grounding.

The answer may or may not shock you.  It is False.  This would be intentional grounding on the high school level.  In high school football there is no such thing as the tackle box.  Just because the quarterback runs outside of it to throw it away does not mean it is legal.  I was watching a few games this past weekend and a few times I heard the announcers mention the tackle box on a couple of throw aways.  One was called an intentional grounding and was actually really obvious because there were only linemen around and he was still inside the tackles.  But the announcer mentioned that he was not outside of the tackel box.  Again this has no bearing on the rule.  There is no such thing as the tackle box in high school football.  There also is not a "receiver within 10 yards" rule either.  If in the referee's judgment the quarterback is throwing the ball away to avoid an obvious sack, it is intentional grounding.  A receiver can even be in the area the ball is thrown and it still be considered intentional grounding.  Now that being said we do use our judgment on that.  If the receiver was at least around the ball or there was a legitimate attempt to throw near the receiver we will allow it.  But the rule is put in place so that the quarterback can not just throw the ball away to avoid a sack.  A lot of coaches, especially in the lower levels, do not know this and will yell at an official about the call.  Even the CYO, Jr High and middle school levels use high school rules.  We will try to convey this to the coach that there is no such thing as the tackle box or "receiver within 10 yards".  Sometimes we will say, "That is just on Sunday's" (yes college uses the tackle box but you get the idea).  And I know CYO plays on Sunday's too.

This was your pop quiz on high school football.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Are They Really Beautiful?

I was eating dinner the other night and was watching some Wheel of Fortune.  I usually don't watch it but decided that I'd like to try my luck at guessing the phrases.  There were two things I found out.  I really wasn't that good at a few of the phrases and the other was that everyone says they have beautiful children.  Each time Pat asked the contestants about themselves and where they hail from the contestants would respond with similar answers.  "I'm from so and so.  I am an employee for some company.  I have a wonderful husband/wife of too many years to count and I have X number of beautiful children."  Each person up there said this.  I then started to think to myself, "Does everyone think they have beautiful children?"  So I turned to the Gameshow Network to do some research.  I was amazed at the results of my study.  Almost every person that had kids that was on a game show said they had beautiful children (and a wonderful spouse).

Now I know that if you have kids they are always beautiful in your eyes.  They can not do any wrong (something that a lot of people should definately reconsider and actually grow a pair and discipline their kids).  They will always be your pride and joy.  These things I understand.  What I don't understand is why you feel that you have to justify to the world that they are beautiful.  With the number of people saying this we should have a world full of Jennifer Aniston's and Brad Pitt's.  Yet we don't.  If my kids are ugly I will leave that part out.  I'll just say I have X number of kids.  Maybe it's that people are trying to justify it to themself.  I mean by the look of some of these people on the shows I can't image that their kids would be any different.

So when you are telling someone about your kids I would leave out the beautiful part and let everyone else decide for themself if they really are unless they look like Jennifer Aniston.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Matt's Law - Article 1: Restroom Etiquette

I figured since everyone out there has different codes and laws I would create my own.  We have all heard about the Guy Code or Bro Code.  Well open up your think tank because here comes some knowledge.  Matt's Law!  That's right.  I'm putting together all of these codes and rules into law.  Today we are going to discuss the fine art of restroom etiquette.  While some of these may be the same as the normal Guy Code there are a few additions to this that need to be addressed.  Here is Rule 1.

Rule 1:  Restroom Etiquette

Section 1 - Talking: Conversations occuring while waiting inside the restroom or while conducting your business.

    Article 1 - There shall be no conversation with any bro after entering the Golden Zone.  The Golden Zone is the square area that is 1.5  feet wide on either side from the middle of the urinal for a total of 3 feet and extends from the nearest edge of the urinal toward and away from said edge 3 feet in either direction.  You must allow the individual a moment to concentrate so as not to get stage fright.

    Article 2 - Conversation in the Golden Zone is only permissible if the topic of conversation started between bros before said bro entered the Golden Zone.  Upon entering the zone, only the topic that was being discussed with any relevant matter shall be continued.  No new matters shall be discussed until the bro has left the Golden Zone.

Section 2 - Vision: Refers to any direction the eyes may look, glance or stare while in the bathroom.

    Article 1 - A bro shall not look, glance or stare at another bro once they have entered the Golden Zone.  This makes all bros feel uncomfortable while they are conducting their business.  Look down within your own area of the Golden Zone or look straight ahead at the wall.

    Article 2 - No sneek peeks.  If you really want to know you need to ask said bro.  Do not have others feel uncomfortable just because you wonder if the rumors are true.  If you happen to sneek peek you better not get caught.  It could lead to an uncomfortable situation for you and anyone in the area probably won't help you out if furry is unleashed upon you.

Section 3 - Waiting Time:  Standing in line.

    Article 1 - Cutting in line is prohibited unless you ask and are granted permission by a fellow bro.  Just because you have to drain the main vein quick, doesn't mean that anyone else in that line doesn't.  Use a tree or a bush if it is that bad if you must.

    Article 2 - Women are not allowed to cut in front of bros in the bathroom, while in line or by entering through the exit.  While yes it is nice with women in the bathroom, they do not get special privileges just because they are a girl.  We live in a country where people fight for equality.  Women are considered equals.  So they can wait too.  Girls have their own bathrooms that they can stand in line.  If they choose to use the mens then they must use the sink.  It's not our fault you choose to turn the men's bathroom into a pay per view channel.  You are doing it to yourself by going to the men's room therefore you must face the consequences of your own actions.

I have more laws to add that will be posted soon.  There will even be more that is added and amended to this document as we go along.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Old? Did you really just say that?

After hearing multiple people talk about how old they were getting I had to write about it.  There are a few things I have to say.  First, let's list the phrases you hear people say.  All of the following phrases are actual phrases that I have heard my friends say.  Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

1.  When talking about or seeing someones younger brother or sister for the first time in a while, you hear the person say, "You're (insert the age that the sister or brother says)?  I'm getting old." or "I remember when you were like this tall."

2.  I can't drink like I used to.

3.  I can't stay up or party like I used to in college.

4.  I'm getting old.  I can't (insert some activity like "basketball" or "walking up the stairs" here) like I used to.

5.  I'm married.

6.  I'm having a baby.

Ok we can agree we have all heard these things said by our friends or random passers by.  The one thing I have to say before I get into answering each one of these scenarios is that you are not old.  You are probably somewhere between the age of 23 to 30.  Now I know people over the age of 31 say this stuff too and they are not old either.  For those of you that are asking, "How can a 23 year old say that they are getting old?"  Think about it.  You most likely said the same thing when you were 23.  I know I heard plenty of people say it when they were 23 and even younger than that.  Ok so now let me drop some knowledge on you by answering the previous statements.

1.  You are not getting old when your friends brother that is hanging out with all of your friends enjoying a drink is 23 years old.  Fact of the matter is you are most likely only 2 to 5 years older than them.  When they are 70 you will be 74.  Not a big age difference!  Especially when you are saying that now when you are 27 and they are 23.  Last I checked 27 minus 23 is 4.  Only 4. 
When you say that you remember them being a lot shorter you should really think about that.  How tall were you when you remember them?  Maybe 6 inches taller.  8 inches.  Why was that?  Because you were 4 classes ahead of them.  When you were 5'1", they were 4'4".  You haven't seen them since they hit puberty.  Of course they are going to be much taller than you remember.  I could go on about this one for hours but I want to leave time for the other 5 statements.

2.  How much have you had to drink since you started a job and are out of college?  Unless you drink on a regular basis (P.S. like you did in college...) you will not be able to drink like you used to.  It is not because of your age.  It is because your tolerance is a lot less than it was when you were drinking everyday.  Which brings me to the next answer.

3.  You go to bed earlier than you ever did in college.  Your schedule is now 5:00 am or 6:00 am to 10:00 pm instead of 4:00 am to Noon.  Unless you are like me and do not get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night then your schedule has just shifted from what it used to be.  Now granted I do not require much sleep for whatever reason and can stay up for multiple hours at a time and be up as late as I need to be.  But if you are hanging out with friends (especially if you haven't hung out in a while) and are going to bed or leaving the party at 10:00 every time then I will just tell you right now that is lame.  Your not old you are just on a different schedule.  Spend the time now with your friends.  Because when you are actually old...when you are 70 or 80, you are going to wish that you spent more time with them.

4.  Ok seriously?  Why do you think that is?  It's probably because you haven't lifted anything heavier than a beer can or a piece of pizza in 5 years.  It's not because you are old.  It's because you are fat and lazy.  That is the reason.  It's because you're not active like you were and are finding everyway possible to make things easier for you not to move.  It's not because your bones are deteriorating and your body is shriveling up.  Ask yourself this question.  Are you the person that waits in the parking lot on the person backing out to park in their space instead of parking in the empty space that is right next to you and only 4 or 5 spots further back from that one so that you can take 10 fewer steps than you would have to?  Which by the way you are causing a traffic block while waiting.

5.  The only thing I have to say about this is that just because you get married doesn't mean that everything changes.  It is exactly the same as it was before.  Odds are that you spent all of your time together anyway and that the only difference now is that you have a ring.  You are not getting old. 

6.  I understand that having a baby means that you have more responsibilities and you might not be getting as much sleep as you did before.  But don't think that you can't do anything anymore just because you have a kid.  While granted I have a very long opinion on this topic and feel that a lot of people hid behind the fact that they have a kid so they don't have to hang out, I will keep it just to the fact that you are not old when you have a baby (there are things called babysitters that give you a much needed break).  Yes you can start yelling at me now for saying that but I don't care.  You are not going to hurt my feelings. 
How old are you now that you have a baby?  Maybe somewhere between the age of 25 to 35.  You can still play with them right?  Roll around on the ground?  Throw the ball with them?  Basketball?  If you can do all of these things or even some of these things you are not old.

Again I could go on and on about these things.  But I know that you do not want to read a book right now.  So again if you think you are old you are not.  Stop saying it.  Go start working out and you'll feel better.  I need to do that myself.  But right now I'm going to go have an awesome time with my friends. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Recap - "The Greatest Spectacle In Drinking"

Well ladies and gentleman the legendary race has concluded.  A hell of a race it was too.  Here is a recap if you missed it.

The pre-race festivities began with the great vocals of Jim Neighbors and "Back Home Again in Indiana."  This was followed by the National Anthem of the US and our ancestors National Anthem of Ireland.  At the conclusion of the anthem it was a beautiful site as the releasing of the whiskey took place as shots were had by all.  It looked just as beautiful as the balloons in the Indy 500.  The competitors then took their place at the starting line of the Alley Cat as the command was given by the honorary Drinking Commissioner, Nancy (mainly because she was the only one around to say it)... "Gentlemen, start your drinking!"

The pace laps then commenced at the Alley Cat with a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, toast and some biscuits and gravy which we thought we cancelled but suddenly reappeared on the track.  Oh and I almost forgot...a nice cold Budweiser in a can.  As the first pace laps were concluded an unexpected pit stop was made at Starbucks (for obvious reasons and a nice hot chocolate...Mike had tea) just before the start of the race to refuel. 

The men then came around the final turn to the starting line again to take the green flag as they came down the frontstretch in the Indy Go bus down College St into the first turn at the Elbow Room.  There was a lot of congestion going into that first turn.  Mainly because the parade was going to start in an hour and a half and everyone wanted to see it.  The lines started to form for the bathroom upstairs at this point.  Although I am happy to say that I as well as Mike and a few others were instrumental in forcing the line to wrap around the other side of the room than in previous years so that we could have an area that wasn't clustered by bathroom dwellers.  As many laps past, and many beers, the race proceeded without any yellow flags to the Union Hall. 

Pit stops were then made at the Union Hall as this was seemingly the half-way point of the race at about 2:00 in the afternoon.  Although these weren't the first pit stops and were definately not the last.  The competitors then came out of the short-shoot to the front stretch again in the Indy Go bus to cross the line for the start of the second half of the evening at The Ace.  Many libations were consumed and fun times were had with good music.  Some of the second half of the race may seem a little fuzzy but not much as it was just good times with a lot of people that you hadn't seen in a while.  The final laps then proceeded around 9:30 at night as the race was completing it's trip back to Nancy's for the victory laps to finish off the night. 

There were a lot of other legendary events that occured throughout the day that you might have missed out on.  There might have even been a random event that happened.  So I say you should SUIT UP and join us again next year as we continue the honored tradition of "The Greatest Spectacle In Drinking."

Monday, March 14, 2011

CALLING ALL SUITS! Suit Up for "The Greatest Spectacle In Drinking"

It's time to SUIT UP!  Wear your green ties and bring your tweed or flat cap.

Yes it's that time of year my friends.  The day where we celebrate our ancestory with green libations.  For those of us that are Irish we celebrate all day long.  For those that aren't...well they still celebrate all day long.  After all, everyone is Irish on St Patrick's Day.  At least that's what their shirts say.  So that being said, come out and enjoy the festivities on Thursday! 

Who doesn't want to start the day out at the Alley Cat for breakfast and a beer at 7:00 am?  Yes that's right I said it!  7 am!  This is how the awesome people start the day off.  Also because there are no other bars that are open in Broad Ripple before 10 am.  Then we take the bus downtown to see the parade while drinking green brews at the Elbow Room.  $1.75.  Best cab ride money can buy.  We don't know where the day takes us from this point but that's the best part.  You make it up as you go.  Of course, we always end up at the Ace.  This is the true Irish bar in America.  No, the Claddagh on the northside does not count.  I've heard people say it before but that is not where real Irish people go for Patty's Day.  If you happen to go to the Claddagh that's fine, but do not try to tell me that's where real Irish people go on St Patty's day.  The Irish enjoy the festivities.  That's why they march all over the town. 

I'm calling out to everyone to suit up on Thursday.  Let's make it a suitfest.  Wear your tan, khaki or even plaid suit.  Bring your green hat!  Green ties!  Flat or tweed caps!  Let's suit up America to celebrate a good cause.  Hopefully you've taken the day off of work.  If you have to work then join us after you leave your office and come in the cloths you are wearing...which should be your suit.  No I don't care if you work in a factory and shovel poo behind an elephant, you should still look good doing it.  It'll also help you pick up the ladies (as if the alcohol wasn't enough). 

If you aren't going to start the day with us at the Alley Cat at 7 am for breakfast and beer, then you can follow our awesome adventures on Twitter.  I created an account just for this celebration.  Even though I'll still use it after Thursday.  Remember...SUIT UP!

By they way, you should still check out my post on ketchup.  It happened again the other day.  You can find it in the archives for February.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Ketchup Please!!!

Now I'm not a fan of tomatoes.  I know most people are though.  The only thing I like that comes from tomatoes is ketchup, pizza sauce and salsa.  However, I don't like ketchup on my hot dog or burger.  I really only like it to dip fries in.  Which brings me to my next point.  When I ask for ketchup at a drive through, I would really like more than TWO packets.

I know this has happened to everyone and I want to lead a movement that will make people smart when it comes to the drive up window.  Well you pull up your car to the little box to place your order.  First of all, it usually seems that you have to repeat yourself 10 times before the guy actually gets what you ordered. 

You:  "I would like a #1 with only mustard and pickle please...large size with a..." 
Window Guy:  Interupts - "Would you like cheese on that?"
You:  "No."  - Thinking to yourself that if you wanted cheese you would have said cheese and not just mustard and pickle only for your sandwich.
Window Guy:  "Only ketchup and onion."
You:  "No.  Only mustard and pickle."
Window Guy:  "With no cheese correct?"
You:  "Yes, no cheese with only mustard and..." - Again thinking to yourself that we established that I do not want cheese twice.
Window Guy:  Interupting - "What to drink?"
You:  "Coke, large size." - Wondering if he got the order correct because he keeps interupting.
Window Guy:  "Would you like the meal small, medium or large size?"
You:  Getting frustrated at this point because you just said it and said it earlier- "Large size!"
Window Guy:  "Is the order on the screen correct?"
You:  "NO!  I want only mustard and pickle on my sandwich." - With the screen saying ketchup and onion.
Window Guy:  "$6.82 please at the second window."

Then you pull around to the window wondering if the order will even be correct or if there will be spit on your burger.  Sometimes after you pull away and you check, the sandwich is completely wrong with ketchup and onion on it with cheese.  However, here is the part I do not get.  Once you get to the window and they hand out the bag to you with your drink, you ask for some ketchup.  Most of the time because they never put any in the bag unless you ask for it.  So the guy reaches over for ketchup grabs some and hands it out of the window to you.  You look at what is in your hand.  It's two ketchup packets.  You stare at the guy with a blank face.  This is where you can get crafty.  If I ordered a #1 large size that means I'm getting a large fry correct?  Then why would you think that if I get a large fry am I only going to need two ketchup packets?!  There's not much ketchup in the packets to begin with so what makes you think that I won't need more?  I will use up all of the ketchup on the first 6 fries!  I'll still have about 50 fries left in the box!  KETCHUP PLEASE!!!

To make matters worse after you drive away and you take a sip of your drink you realize it's diet or a tea instead of a coke.  So I guess the only way to make people smart when it comes to drive thru's is to hire people that have the vanishing skill of listening.

Monday, January 17, 2011

To Travel or Not To Travel - Basketball Rules

Joe wanted me to write more of these so here is another for you.  This time I decided to take on a call that some people see every now and then.  Fans get to pester a player when it does happen.  AIR BALL!  AIR BALL!  AIR BALL!  It's all happened to us sometime.  Maybe not on the grand scale of being in an arena with 18,000 people yelling it at you, but you get the idea.  I thought of this one yesterday actually as I was watching the Purdue and West Virginia game.  It happened towards the end of the game and Gus Johnson (who by the way I just really don't like to listen to because it's always over exaggerated) said there was no travel called.  I've had to explain this rule a few times.  Especially in a game that I'm reffing and it happens because the coach will jump all over my ass wanting to know why it's not a travel. 

You've probably guessed by now that I'm talking about when a shooter has an air ball and then is the first to touch the ball after he shoots.  Now I will give it to you that this is a travel in the NBA.  However, this is not a travel in high school or college.  Yes it applies to grade school (middle school, jr high, however else you want to say it) as well because they use high school rules.  You can be the first to touch it after you shoot an air ball.  There is a phrase that we also use in football with similar rules that are in the NFL but not in college or high school.  We usually say, "This isn't Sunday coach."  Even though some grade schools play on Sunday.  I realize the ironic nature of that statement.  Guess what else you can do though after an air ball?  Yes, that's right you can even start dribbling again after you gain the rebound.  It is considered a rebound.  This is because on a shot, once the ball leaves the hand of the shooter there is no player possession. 

Now here is the catch to this.  In the judgment of the official it must be considered an attempted shot.  If they consider it a pass attempt you could be called for travel, or double dribble, or whatever else you might think could be called.  The same is when a player in the back court, picks up their dribble, throws it off of the backboard, then starts dribbling again.  This would be a double dribble.  But you can do this in the front court.  AS LONG AS it is an attempted shot.  For instance, in one game I had a player attempt a shot deep in the corner near the 3 point line on the opposite side of the floor from me.  He went to shoot the ball going through the full shooting motion, it slipped and came out of his hand at the top of his shot, went straight up in the air, came back down and was the first to touch it.  He then started dribbling again, went around the player toward the basket and had a lay up attempt.  I don't remember if he made the lay up, but I was in front of the bench up top near half court while this happened right in front of the other official I was working with on the baseline.  The coach asked why it wasn't a travel.  I was surprised that he didn't yell it, but that could be because I knew him.  I told him that as long as it is an attempted shot, he could dribble again and be the first to touch the ball.  The other official said the same thing to him when he asked.  It was the right call.

So this was my rule for this time.  I'll have more later.  If there is one you want to ask and would like an answer for just about football or basketball let me know.