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Monday, June 27, 2011

Are They Really Beautiful?

I was eating dinner the other night and was watching some Wheel of Fortune.  I usually don't watch it but decided that I'd like to try my luck at guessing the phrases.  There were two things I found out.  I really wasn't that good at a few of the phrases and the other was that everyone says they have beautiful children.  Each time Pat asked the contestants about themselves and where they hail from the contestants would respond with similar answers.  "I'm from so and so.  I am an employee for some company.  I have a wonderful husband/wife of too many years to count and I have X number of beautiful children."  Each person up there said this.  I then started to think to myself, "Does everyone think they have beautiful children?"  So I turned to the Gameshow Network to do some research.  I was amazed at the results of my study.  Almost every person that had kids that was on a game show said they had beautiful children (and a wonderful spouse).

Now I know that if you have kids they are always beautiful in your eyes.  They can not do any wrong (something that a lot of people should definately reconsider and actually grow a pair and discipline their kids).  They will always be your pride and joy.  These things I understand.  What I don't understand is why you feel that you have to justify to the world that they are beautiful.  With the number of people saying this we should have a world full of Jennifer Aniston's and Brad Pitt's.  Yet we don't.  If my kids are ugly I will leave that part out.  I'll just say I have X number of kids.  Maybe it's that people are trying to justify it to themself.  I mean by the look of some of these people on the shows I can't image that their kids would be any different.

So when you are telling someone about your kids I would leave out the beautiful part and let everyone else decide for themself if they really are unless they look like Jennifer Aniston.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Matt's Law - Article 1: Restroom Etiquette

I figured since everyone out there has different codes and laws I would create my own.  We have all heard about the Guy Code or Bro Code.  Well open up your think tank because here comes some knowledge.  Matt's Law!  That's right.  I'm putting together all of these codes and rules into law.  Today we are going to discuss the fine art of restroom etiquette.  While some of these may be the same as the normal Guy Code there are a few additions to this that need to be addressed.  Here is Rule 1.

Rule 1:  Restroom Etiquette

Section 1 - Talking: Conversations occuring while waiting inside the restroom or while conducting your business.

    Article 1 - There shall be no conversation with any bro after entering the Golden Zone.  The Golden Zone is the square area that is 1.5  feet wide on either side from the middle of the urinal for a total of 3 feet and extends from the nearest edge of the urinal toward and away from said edge 3 feet in either direction.  You must allow the individual a moment to concentrate so as not to get stage fright.

    Article 2 - Conversation in the Golden Zone is only permissible if the topic of conversation started between bros before said bro entered the Golden Zone.  Upon entering the zone, only the topic that was being discussed with any relevant matter shall be continued.  No new matters shall be discussed until the bro has left the Golden Zone.

Section 2 - Vision: Refers to any direction the eyes may look, glance or stare while in the bathroom.

    Article 1 - A bro shall not look, glance or stare at another bro once they have entered the Golden Zone.  This makes all bros feel uncomfortable while they are conducting their business.  Look down within your own area of the Golden Zone or look straight ahead at the wall.

    Article 2 - No sneek peeks.  If you really want to know you need to ask said bro.  Do not have others feel uncomfortable just because you wonder if the rumors are true.  If you happen to sneek peek you better not get caught.  It could lead to an uncomfortable situation for you and anyone in the area probably won't help you out if furry is unleashed upon you.

Section 3 - Waiting Time:  Standing in line.

    Article 1 - Cutting in line is prohibited unless you ask and are granted permission by a fellow bro.  Just because you have to drain the main vein quick, doesn't mean that anyone else in that line doesn't.  Use a tree or a bush if it is that bad if you must.

    Article 2 - Women are not allowed to cut in front of bros in the bathroom, while in line or by entering through the exit.  While yes it is nice with women in the bathroom, they do not get special privileges just because they are a girl.  We live in a country where people fight for equality.  Women are considered equals.  So they can wait too.  Girls have their own bathrooms that they can stand in line.  If they choose to use the mens then they must use the sink.  It's not our fault you choose to turn the men's bathroom into a pay per view channel.  You are doing it to yourself by going to the men's room therefore you must face the consequences of your own actions.

I have more laws to add that will be posted soon.  There will even be more that is added and amended to this document as we go along.